I was standing at the counter ordering some shrimp at the grocery store and they didn't have the $6.99 shrimp that I wanted so the guy offered me the $10.99 shrimp for the same price. He offered it to me like it was a question: He said "Would that be ok?" Like I would say no to that, having already asked for the cheaper shrimp?

ANYWAY....

There was this really nice-looking woman waiting at the counter next to me and she kind of half-smiled at me and I said hello. She was probably 40 or 45. And then her boyfriend or her husband comes over and he's got tattoos on both his arms, and he looks at me and then he grabs her arm and pulls her close and starts talking to her in a whisper like his teeth are clenched. And she kind of whimpered something back but I couldn't hear. And I just kind of stood there watching them and waiting for my shrimp, and I said "HOw you guys doing?"

And he turned to me and he was still holding on to her arm a little too tightly and we kind of chatted back and forth a few minutes and then he was like "Would you let your girlfriend go out dressed like this to meet your family for the first time?"

And I swear, I did not know this guy, I never met him before, I was just standing there waiting for my shrimp. Seriously it was just so bizarre, I thought I might be on TV or something.

So I said "Do you want to know what I think? I think your job should be to make her happy, and her job should be to make you happy, and neither one of you looks very happy to me."

He didn't really say much to me after that, he just kind of grunted and looked away. But still. Weird.

Also, another strange thing happened to me today. I went to get my car washed, and they gave me a coupon for a free car wash.

Posted by voodoo_chicken_bones at 5:59 PM EST

Updated: Sunday, 5 February 2012 6:01 PM EST

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I volunteer at a Co-Op that gives food out to those in need. I interview people, take down their information, talk to them about their lives and what's going on. Some of them treat me like I'm their counselor; others don't really say much at all.

The most difficult ones can be those first-timers, many of whom probably never imagined themselves having to ask for help with such a basic necessity. Sometimes when I'm detailing what type of services the Co-Op offers, they'll say something like "I hope this will be the only time I need to do this." Other times they'll literally break down and cry.

What I do is easy. I come in and spend some time talking to people and taking down their information and maybe being a small bit of comfort. Giving is easy. We give from our abundance and our strength. Giving allows us to imagine that we are, to some degree, in control. Society praises those who give.

 Accepting help is more difficult, because we have to admit our powerlessness. It takes a certain courage to step forward and say that we need help.

The reality, of course, is that none of us are in control. None of us are strong. Any of us at any time can lose our jobs, get sick, have an accident. It rains on everyone. We praise those who give, but sometimes I wonder if that's just because giving has become a rarity rather than something that's expected. We also pity those who need help, although I wonder if we shouldn't admire them more.

Consider how many times in pop culture we're presented with people whose pride won't allow them to accept help, who refuse charity as if it's a dirty word...and then we're made to think these are admirable qualities.  What's admirable about going hungry, when food is being freely offered? 

There is a basic Christian tenet called Grace. The dictionary defines Grace as "unmerited favor". It means that God favors us and loves us, and all He asks of us is that we accept His love. And yet we insist on earning it or (worse) delude ourselves into believing that we deserve it. God loves us not because of anything we've done or not done, but because that's Who He is.

People speak of being brought down, of leaders being disgraced, of hitting bottom. I wonder if all that means is that we're being taught to accept that we need something, we need help, we can't make it alone.

Posted by voodoo_chicken_bones at 5:40 PM EST

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I just woke up from a dream where I was in this huge complex. It was like a part of a bigger city but self-contained. It was all new and very modern, modular in design, with all kinds of shapes jutting off of a main building. Parts of it were underground and parts were open-aired, but it was all light and clean. There were hotels and restaurants and even playgrounds.

All the people there were young and attractive and seemed to be wearing some kind of uniform. And they all liked me, and wanted me to be there, and as they gave me the tour of the complex I had the sense that everyone wanted my approval, like they were asking me was this good enough and do you like it here and what all else can we do for you, and here let's show you this next level.

I knew it was all wonderful and I wanted to be there, but the thing is I just had this sense that I didn't belong. I was just wearing some pajama pants and an old t-shirt and I felt very under-dressed and all I wanted to do was to go home. I kept wondering what my two kids were doing at home.

All the places they were taking me were very high up in the air, like on balconies overlooking this huge indoor complex. Then they wanted me to take a special kind of tour in this glass elevator kind of thing that I went into alone. That tour ended at this coffee shop kind of place where a bunch of women were all meeting and talking, and one of the women was even a woman who had once fired me, but now she was being all nice just like everyone else.

And everyone was like "How do you like it? Do you think you have something to offer here?" But I was like "I love it here but I can't stay because my boys need me."

And then there were some young kids who wanted to show me something and they took me to this balcony that was like 30 stories up in the air overlooking this big plaza where lots of people were going about their business, all happy. But there was no rail on the balcony and everyone was standing really close to the edge and I kept saying to step back but they wouldn't. They would just laugh and start dancing or jumping up and down and saying "Why are you afraid?"

For some reason, I got this idea that I should pretend to be in a total panic and maybe they would let me go, so I backed away and started yelling, but one of the kids said "If you pretend to panic, then pretty soon you will really be in a panic." And for some reason that was like SO SCARY and I snapped awake almost screaming.  

Posted by voodoo_chicken_bones at 4:33 AM EST

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I believe in a God of possibilities.

This means I have to accept that many things are possible. I accept the possibility that all life evolved from a formless protoplasm, as well as the possibility that literally God formed man from the dust of the Earth. I accept the possibility that there are people who are just born homosexual. I accept the possibility that God is angry and waiting to pour His wrath out on the Earth. It may be that life begins at conception and abortion is an abomination. Aliens might be real.

I don't have to believe any of those things to accept that all of them might be possible. I also accept that there's no way to know for sure.

Why are people gay? I don't know. I don't know if they were born that way or if it's just some connection they made at a very early age. I do know that there are gay people, so the only question I have to ask myself is, how should I treat them? Should I draw a bright line around them and call them different and bad, and condemn them or try to rehabilitate them, or should I treat them with kindness and compassion and accept that they're just like anyone trying to do the best they can?

Did we evolve from a common ancestor with the apes, or did we appear fully formed? I don't know. I wasn't there. I know we're here, and we have to deal with each other, and the question of how we got here is so far down the list of things we should worry about that I don't even think much about it.

Did the angel Gabriel appear to Muhammad and cleanse him with snow? What did Siddhartha really experience beneath the Bodhi tree? I don't know. I wasn't there. And despite what anyone else says, they weren't there either. It's possible that some of these stories are true in part or in whole, and while I can certainly offer my opinions about them, I can't say for sure what the truth is.

I have a friend who is set in her belief system and doesn't much care for Christian imagery or doctrine. She once told me she believed that the Christian Bible was just "myths and fables". She couldn't accept that any of it might be true. But what, I asked her, are myths and fables? They're stories that teach us moral lessons. They persist over generations because there is truth in them, not because they're made up.

I have lots of friends who are as set in their Christianity or their Islamic faith that they can't see past them. I've even been told by a Dharma Master that I shouldn't "mix" different versions of Buddhism, but rather settle on one form and not stray from it.

But I believe in a God of Possibilities. I believe that God can't be defined or contained by a book or a building or a set of beliefs. I believe that God is Truth and that He's present in all things, in creation, in our own conscience, in our faiths and cultures and people, and nature. There's so much that we need to understand, why do we insist on limiting ourselves to what we already believe??

Posted by voodoo_chicken_bones at 8:47 PM EST

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If someone needs something, I offer it, and if someone asks for something, I give it without expecting things in return.

I try to listen, especially to those with whom I disagree, because that's the only way I'll ever learn anything new.

I try to be kind, particularly to those who don't deserve it, because I figure they need it most.

When I encounter someone, I want them to feel better about who they are, and not impressed with who I am.

I don't like everyone and I hardly trust anyone to do what they say, but I try to treat everyone the same.

I don't really care much what people think of me.

I'm generally negative and pessimistic and depressed and I find optimists unrealistic and usually annoying BUT I hate bringing other people down, so there's that at least.

I have strong opinions but I don't need to be right all the time and I'm fine with people disagreeing with me.

I really do try to live this way, even though I'm not always successful.

Posted by voodoo_chicken_bones at 3:01 PM EST

Updated: Saturday, 24 December 2011 3:02 PM EST

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Mood:  happy

There are several ministries at which I volunteer, and sometimes I get a chance to minister myself. 

Today I was talking to a woman and her nine year old daughter. They were planning a party for the girl's birthday, and the woman mentioned that she wasn't going to have cake because her daughter was too fat already. She just said it in a very matter-of-fact way, and the little girl didn't even react. I was a little taken aback. Without accusing her of anything, I just said that the little girl looked fine to me for her age, and that it was probably better at any age to emphasize being healthy over being thin. And then I just said "Don't you agree?" I don't even know if she had realized what she had said, until I threw the ball back in her court like that and she had to either agree or not. She said yes, so at least she understood, but something like that probably goes so deep that she will probably have to be reminded over and over for some time.

I also talked to an older gentleman who told me that he was Pentecostal, and that he and his wife had prayed about his prostate cancer, and rather than proceeding with a planned surgery they were going to give God a chance to heal him. I told him that that must take a great deal of faith. He asked me didn't I believe in healing? I said that I believed God works in many ways, and that most of what we call "miracles" happen as we look back at them. He agreed, and said that he was still going to pray for healing but that he was also going to go back to the doctor for a second round of tests. I told him it was good to have faith, and it was good to pray for healing, but if God wants to heal us, it's probably best to allow Him to pick the means by which we'll receive that healing.

Posted by voodoo_chicken_bones at 9:16 PM EDT

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Mood:  hug me

A lot of religious people think, and are quick to tell you, that God is angry. And not just angry, but super-pissed all the time for all the stupid crap we do every day. Worse, He's pissed at us for all the crap that other people do, and we blame these things on "society". People think that other people are guilty of crap that they're not even guilty of, and then they say it's "society".

Historically, Christians and Muslims want to convert everyone, and failing that, shun or kill them. They talk about the end of the world, judgement and wrath, fire and brimstone. But I don't think that God is pissed. I don't think He's sitting up there waiting to fling lightning and drop rocks on us.

It's easy to imagine someone doing the same thing over and over, saying "sorry" all the time, and then finally reaching the point where you just say "Get lost. You're beyond forgiveness." That's how we are with one another, and it's hard to imagine it being any other way..

But if I forgive someone a wrong that they've done to me, I don't do it because of who they are or what they've done; I do it because of who I choose to be. It hurts me to hold onto anger.

It's in God's nature to forgive, and I think the idea that Hell is a place where people languish in eternal misery, begging for a forgiveness that God withholds, is wrong. I think if Hell is real, then it's full of people who blame everyone else for their situation. I don't think judgement is something that's imposed on us: It's just refusing to recognize anything else.

Posted by voodoo_chicken_bones at 1:48 AM EST

Updated: Tuesday, 9 December 2008 11:42 PM EST

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Mood:  don't ask

I like to consider myself fairly apolitical. When people try to engage me in political debate, I can get pretty passionate about my apathy. And it's not that I don't care about people or issues; it's just that I don't think government is equipped to deal with most of them.

Liberals always seem to say that conservatives don't care about the poor, and a lot of folks would consider me conservative. But I volunteer at shelters and devote my time when I can. I believe in that. What I don't believe is that it's the government's job to take care of it. The government makes laws and then can't afford to pay police officers a decent wage to enforce them. Governements can't afford to pay teachers what they're worth. They can't even issue me a driver's license without a mile of red tape. And they're seven thousand trillion dollars in debt. And this is what we expect to feed and house the poor?

It's hard to get people to volunteer their time for shelters and transitional programs. I know. And yet people expect the government to care.

So I don't get excited about anything political and I don't believe that any politician or leader or personality can change the world. And I think that's a good thing, because almost anyone who ever made any real change in history did so by blowing things up or killing people. That might seem extreme, but really, how is any one person, given our current political system, going to affect any substantial change?

I guess I just don't think it really matters who gets to be President or who hold the majority in Congress. If I could make any real change in the world, it wouldn't be the kind that a politician could make anyway.

Like, my 11 year old son said to me yesterday that commercials always wanted to convince us how unhappy we are, which I thought was pretty insightful for an 11-year old, especially when he went on to say that it's probably really hard to sell things to happy people.

Folks always seem to want more, and want their kids to have the newest things, and so they work more to get more and in the end so much time has gone by that they wind up with nothing.

That's what I would change, if I could.

Posted by voodoo_chicken_bones at 12:01 AM EDT

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Mood:  hug me

Sam died on Monday.

He was 45. Most folks with Cystic Fibrosis don't live past their 30's, so at least in that respect I consider him pretty fortunate.

Sam didn't always see things that way. I guess it's because, while we might compare Sam's life to that of the vast majority of CF patients and count him as blessed, we could just as easily compare him to the rest of the North American population, who live on average into their 70's, and say he was just screwed.

He was burdened by his past. He never went into specifics, but I couldn't imagine that he'd done anything worse than I ever did. Sam had a lot of anxiety about the future. He knew he would never get any better, never marry, never have kids.

I tried to encourage him. I told him that God didn't require the past of us; He only requires the present, this day, this hour. And He doesn't promise us the future, but He does promise us His grace. I know those seem like small things, but they're not. It's everything we are, and everything He has.

I don't know if I did any good, or if Sam ever heard me, but I know I wasn't the best friend I could have been. At least I wasn't the friend he needed me to be.

Sam's friends got together to eulogize him on Saturday, and a lot of them talked about his bravery and how they never heard him complain. I don't think it insults his memory, or lessens the impact of his death, to say that that wasn't the Sam I knew, and acknowledge that he was flawed. In the end, I was happy to know that he had so much love and support from so many who were better than I was.

Posted by voodoo_chicken_bones at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: Sunday, 21 September 2008 7:58 PM EDT

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Mood:  a-ok

Traffic gets pretty bad where I live, and it's always my instinct to look ahead. I always want to see what the problem is, when it's going to break up so that I can start moving again. It's a natural instinct but one I have to be careful to guard against. Because when I'm looking ahead, I can't see where I am and will most likely slam into the car that's directly ahead of me.

My life is kind of like this. When money is tight or I have a bad day at work, it's easy to imagine a time when things will be easier, a future where I have a better job or the kids are grown, or maybe even just a vacation when I can relax and not have to deal with traffic or screaming kids or dirty dishes.

The problem is, of course, that the future isn't real. It doesn't exist and, no matter how meticulous and far-reaching my plans are, it's never what we imagine it to be. There's too much you can't plan for, too much that can go wrong, and usually does.

A friend of mine once asked me, when we were talking about all the stupid crap that we did as kids, if I ever felt guilty. There was a lot of opportunities that we missed and people that may have been hurt, after all. I considered it for a minute.

Feel guilty?

About something that happened in the past, that I can't do anything about?

Guilt and regret look backwards, the same way that fear and anxiety look forward. All of these feelings shift our focus away from where we are, and what we're doing, to things that don't exist or can't be changed. And if living in the past is a waste of time and living in the future is just plain stupid, at the end of the day I think either of these tendencies indicate a lack of contentment and even a lack of faith. They all say that our happiness lies elsewhere, in other times and places.

The Buddhists call this attachment. It's one of the Three Causes of Suffering. Likewise, C.S. Lewis once said that the Present is the only time that touches eternity, and he described Heaven as a boundless, eternal Now. To me these are all fancy ways of teaching us to focus on where we are.

Posted by voodoo_chicken_bones at 3:41 PM EDT

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