I just don't get Christmas.

Some people say it's all about Baby Jesus, The Little Drummer Boy, The Three Wise Men, Mary & Joseph, and all that stuff. But it's a long way from there to Santa & Reindeer.

People always say that the Three Wise Men were from the East. But the Bible says that the star appeared in the East and that they followed it. Which would mean that they were from the WEST. The Little Drummer Boy came to a place where a newborn child was trying to sleep, and he thoughtfully brought along a drum.

I don't have a problem with the story of Jesus Christ's birth. I do sometimes wonder why we have to set aside a special day for it, though. Esepcially since it's not even the right day. Shepherds don't tend their flocks in the fields in the dead of winter. They say December 25 was some kind of pagan festival and that the Christians just kind of took it over for themselves. No offense to anybody, but to me that doesn't make the day "Holy". On the other hand, it doesn't make it any less Holy either. To me it just seems like a Holiday that was already there and somebody had to think of a reason for it.

For some folks, Christmas is about Santa Claus and reindeer. I don't know where the reindeer came from, but Santa Claus is a Communist (he controls the means of production, he wears red, and believes in re-distributing the wealth), and kids are taught to "love" him because he gives them stuff for nothing.

Now to be fair, some folks like Christmas and could care less about religion or Santa Claus. It's just a time of hope and giving. Here's what I think of that.

Folks who talk about hope and giving at Christmas are all well and good, but you seldom hear about it any other time of the year. I think joy and hope and all that crap is great, don't get me wrong, I just think that if you don't believe in that stuff from January to November, then its just stupid to talk about it in December like it's the most important thing in the world.

And then there's Christmas Carols.

I don't know why we call them "carols". No other songs are called "carols". It's one of those words that folks use only at Christmas, like "manger" and "swaddling" and "nog". We say "Egg Nog" like there's some other kind of nog we have to distinguish it from, like Veggie Nog or Meat Nog. But no: It's Egg Nog, and that's the only nog there is, and it's only served at Christmas. It's like Christmas has its own language.

Anyway, Christmas Carols at one point were probably the source of great inspiration. Unfortunately, now, most have been sung so many times that you don't hear them anymore except as background white noise.

A lot of Christmas Carols have to do with bells. I don't know why. I know there used to be church bells and all, but didn't they ring all year round?

There's "Silver Bells". I always hear "Silver Bells" sung by two people, one with a normal-sounding voice and one with a really powerful voice who comes in a beat behind the first guy, like he's upstaging him, and the second guy keeps giving him dirty looks:

Silver Be....SILVER BELLS!
Silver Be....SILVER BEEEEELLS!!
IT'S CHRISTMAS TIIIIIME IN THE CITY!
Ring-a-li...RING-A-LING!
Hear them ri...HEAR THEM RIIIIIING!!
SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS DAAAAY!!

There's another bells song that's supposed to actually sound like bells ringing, with people singing parts that go "ding dong ding dong" and all that.

HARK! how the bells
SWEET! silver bells
ALL! seem to say
THROW! cares away
GAY! ly they're ringing
WHILE! people singing
songs of good cheer
Christmas is here....
Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas,
Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas,
Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas....

This song is so creepy and scary. It's not happy or joyful or anything. It doesn't even sound like bells. It just goes on and on and on forever like the soundtrack to an old "Twilight Zone" episode where a mall Santa goes to hell and has it play for eternity in his head.

Some songs are in Latin, even. Latin is a dead language, which is creepy enough. But Latin also reminds me of nuns. Nuns scare me.