Disclaimer: This site is in no way affiliated with Alka-Seltzer or Bayer, Inc. Decisions to use Alka-Seltzer are left to the discretion of the reader. The author encourages anyone considering using medication to consult with a physician.

I love Alka-Seltzer. I would take it all the time, if I could, even when I was feeling ok. It fizzles and then you drink it and then you feel better. I don't know whoever thought of it but I sometimes wonder why it isn't more widely-used. I mean like, sometimes at the hospital you get Tylenol with codeine, or cough syrup with codeine, why not Alka-Seltzer with codeine?

So there's Alka-Seltzer and there's Extra Strength Alka-Seltzer and even a formula for colds. I think they're missing the boat, though, the folks who market this stuff. There should be Alka-Seltzer pain medication with codeine, Alka-Seltzer with tranquilizers, antidepressants, antipsychotics, just everything. You could have it with skin exfoliants that you put in your bathtub and make it all fizzy. Suppositories. Alka-Seltzer with caffeine to give you that kick you need in the morning. Alka-Seltzer Shampoo. Beer. Why not Alka-Seltzer that's marketed especially for hangovers? Or people who eat too much? Or too little? Or children's Alka-Seltzer?

Sometimes I get a cup of really hot water and put two packs of Alka-Seltzer in it. It looks like something the Munsters would drink. I mean, there's smoke coming up out of it and it's all steamy and it's fizzling so much you can hear it, and there's even drops of water flying up out of it. You might even think there were little tiny piranhas living in it. If you believed in little tiny piranhas, I mean.

You know those gel-caps? I hate those. They don't fizz. I mean, they might work just fine, but to me they're defaming the name of Alka-Seltzer. They should either make them fizz or call them something else.

Alka-Seltzer should be part of every first-aid kit. It should be included in Red Cross relief packages, and dropped into Afghanistan for refugees.

Here's the thing, though. It's not just the brand-name, Alka-Seltzer. It's the whole concept that you can take a tablet and drop it in water, it fizzles, and then you drink. That's like something you might see on "Star Trek" or "The Jetsons". Now, the fact that that's how you take it is cool enough, but the really cool thing is, there's medicine in it. And it totally works.

See, people are all the time looking for miracles. That's why they call psychic hotlines and join cults and look for pictures of Elvis in water-stains on the shower wall. They're looking for something to amaze them and convince them that there's something bigger than themselves. I say, forget the 900-lines and pilgrimages to Lourdes, if you want a miracle, look no further than your own medicine cabinet.