It's not that she's nice, because I like nice folks. There's not enough nice folks in the world, if you ask me. And it's not that she talks about luurve all the time. I mean, I know that there is love in the world even if there is only one one-hundred billionth what there ought to be. It's just that it's all she ever freakin' talks about.

 

She talks about love and feelings and relationships and says things like "Who's on your heart tonight?" and "Take time from your busy day and just relax by a crackling fire with a nice, warm mug of tea and just relax..." Like anyone actually does that. And, yes, she actually uses the word "relax" so much that I'm wondering if she's either trying to hypnotize me or make me pee. And she seems to be forgetting in all her talk about trying to make people relax that the vast majority of her listeners are probably driving in their cars.

 

It's ok for maybe 15 or 20 minutes, especially if she plays a cool song by the Beatles or something. But sooner or later (and probably sooner) you just know that she's going to be taking a call from Mary in Connecticut, and telling her how lucky she is to have a soulmate like Bob even if he's off driving his truck most of the time. And it's not even so much that I disagree with her, it's just that I so totally want her to just shut the hell up and leave Bob alone. Because you and I both know that even though Mary is now sitting at home in a terry-cloth bathrobe with a warm mug of tea by a crackling fire, her eyes tearing up as the radio plays When Will I See You Again, Bob is at a truckstop in Toledo bitching about the coffee and eyeing a 20-year-old waitress.

 

I don't mean to say that all men are pigs, even though almost all of them are, or even that all men cheat. I'm just saying that even though there are feelings and relationships and those things are good, there's lots of other stuff too. It's like she takes this one little part of life (love and relationships) and makes it the one most important thing that there is.

 

Why can't she talk about something different, say, like dinosaurs? Everyone loves dinosaurs. It's so cool to think about these great big monster things eating each other. Or watching a movie like Jurassic Park where they all go crazy and start eating people. In that movie, they were supposed to have made the dinosaurs all male so that they wouldn't reproduce, and that way the population could be controlled.

 

I don't know why they thought this was a good idea and I am wondering if this dinosaur guy ever went to college. By that, I don't mean "college" in the sense of taking courses in paleontology, but in the sense of going to a frat house and seeing all the dumb-ass stuff that guys do when there are no women around. And then having all these guys in an environment where they will never get laid and then driving past them in jeeps taking pictures, and then being surprised when they go ape-shit and try to eat you.

 

The thing about these movies is that, once you get past the awe and wonderment of "Hey, look, there are actual real live dinosaurs and they've been dead a hundred bajillion years!" to the "O no! The actual real live dinosaurs are trying to eat us!" there really is nowhere else to go, plot-wise. You know it's phenomenally successful and there will be at least twelve more movies, but the thing is you just know that in the next one, the dinosaurs are not going to go off to college, or fight crime and solve mysteries, or have wacky misadventures trying to adjust to life in the modern world. They're just going to try to eat more people. No plot twists, no surprise ending. Sure, they'll have new actors (by necessity, since all the other actors were eaten already), but the plot is going to be basically the same.

 

I guess you could change the setting, like having the dinosaurs eat people at a supermarket or a school play or a luau. And it would be really cool to have them eat people you really can't stand, like Mr. T or Richard Simmons or that love someone woman (again, everything comes full circle for me).

 

Here are some more things that that love someone woman could talk about besides love and relationships:

 

Green Lantern: He's so cool. I love that he can make anything out of his ring, like jeeps or hands or power bubbles that fly him through space. I've toyed with the idea of getting the symbol tattooed on me, mostly because he's so cool but also because no one else I know has one.

 

Chinese Food: Chinese food is so awesome, except the MSG. And I've heard they sometimes eat dogs and cats. Other than that, it's awesome.

 

Ok, so, I have to get my kids up and ready for school, but I am reserving the right to add to this list as I think of things.