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I went to my oldest son's third grade Christmas party. It was about as fun as you would expect a third grade Christmas
party to be. There was messy, sugary food and several moms there. Everyone was really nice but really there's only so much
you can do or say in that setting. I mean, when adults get together you can talk about adult things but when it's a kid's
party your topics of discussion are pretty limited, and it's always weird for me to be talking to moms and relating to all
the mom-stuff that they do because I do it all too.
One of the moms there looked exactly like Eva Longoria. I'm totally totally not kidding, she could be one of those impersonators
who makes money by showing up places pretending to be other people. The reason I mention her, of course, is because she's
totally hot, but aside from her being hot, her daughter was telling me that she was dancing in a local stage production of
The Nutcracker. I mean, they both were dancing: The nine year old daughter was a little ballerina and the mom who
looks like Eva Longoria was playing a "party mom", she said, which is awesome except it's probably not as hot as it sounds.
Anyway, she asked me if I had ever seen The Nutcracker and I had to say no, and had to pretend I was just giggling
at something other than the title of the ballet because of course I giggle uncontrollably at any derivation of the word "nut".
And it's a third grade party, so I couldn't really say what I wanted to say, which is "I was married to one for 15 years."
My own mom and all my sisters and my brothers' wives and all my neices go see The Nutcracker every year, as
part of a really incredibly boring family tradition, but as long as I don't have to go I really don't care. Anyway, I was
telling the little girl this (her name was Karly) and she was so excited about it that I didn't want to tell her how boring
ballet is to most guys. So I did kind of say that I might go see it, if they added superheroes or robots or giant gorillas.
(Note: here is a promotional picture of the original 1933 King Kong. Note how big and imposing he
is. And how gigantic that woman is. She's taller than some of the buildings. At first I thought it was just the perspective,
and that the ape was standing closer to the camera than the buildings. But he's standing behind the buildings. This picture
just freaks me out).
I won free passes to an advance screening of the new King Kong movie last week and I took my older son to see
it and we got all these cool t-shirts and a cap that said KING KONG on them. I think it's ironic that the
entire point of the movie is that hype is bad and we exploit nature for our own amusement and only unscrupulous people
would do such a thing....and then we make shirts and caps that say Kong Is King and have this big media circus promoting the
shit out of it. But whatever. The whole thing was really awesome, but of course anything with a giant gorilla in it is
awesome.
Seriously. I can't think of one movie that wouldn't be improved by adding a giant gorilla. I imagine that there is a
parallel universe somewhere, where giant gorillas are so numerous that every movie actually does have one in it,
even just in the background walking by, or else folks just complain that the movie is completely unrealistic where a main
character isn't eaten by a giant gorilla, or live in total fear that they would be. I guess they would eventually have to
start building gigantic robots to fight the gorillas, which would really suck. Or anyway I would hate to be a claims adjuster
in a world like that.
Anyway, I promised the little girl that if they ever made a ballet out of it, I would play the part of the giant gorilla.
I know I can't really dance, and I'm afraid of heights so I wouldn't climb any buildings (even fake ones), but I'm fairly
confident that no one will make a ballet out of King Kong, and even if they did it would be pretty long odds that this one
little girl's dance company would do it.
But if they did, I would still keep my word. You can take that to the bank, baby. I just wouldn't wear a tutu
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